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May. 26th, 2010

mikaella

Ask and you shall receive...

After feeling hopeless for so long... when the light at the end of the tunnel was so dim that I had the earge to stop walking towards it and just sit quietly in the dark... God answered my desparate prayers.

Sure, I'm hormonal. I'm a girl. And I create drama more than a soap opera. But this is my journal. I'm allowed to be emotional and irrational on it.

Mike and I reconciled. Figured things out. A weight off my shoulders. Light has definitely been turned back on and is very bright at the end of the tunnel.

So blessed.

Being open helps. Truly open, honestly open... such a gift. I asked that we be able to be honest, I asked that we can be the friends we once were, I asked that we can move forward. I asked and I received.

So blessed.

May. 20th, 2010

mikaella

Daydreaming

I hate when I let my imagination go. Every girl daydreams about her "guy" but I've always felt that I just took it to another level. It's my overactive imagination. A gift and a curse. It can paint pictures for hours but those pictures can torture me for hours too.

Sometimes I really wish I was a guy. They have logic. Not to say that I don't. I do. Sometimes. But they tend to use their logic. I don't think girls practice the art of logic that often. And I really ... really don't. If I did, I don't think I'd be where I am now. Cassie says it's natural. It is. I'm not choosing to put myself through all this crap. Even my imagination gives me a hard time. I worry that I'm in love with the Mike in my head and not the real one. But then I talk to him and realize I'm in love with someone better than the one from my dreams.

But daydreaming still doesn't help.

Apr. 9th, 2010

mikaella

Wanting, waiting, losing

Just waiting till it gets easier. Till the pain subsides. The wound needs to close. I want a scab. I want it gone. A cross I must bare but I don't want to. No one wants to carry their cross. Why must it be so hard? Where do I find relief? Being away is hard but being close hurts too much. There is no ease. No rest. Sleepless nights. Mornings with memories. Nights with memories. Never ending. Or at least it feels that way. My heart feels heavy. My soul feels burdened. Losing motivation. Losing sight.

I want to fly away. I want to fall. Feel the air rush past my face. Through my hair. Until there is no more.

I want to scream until I lose my voice.

Where can I go?

~*~
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
~*~

Apr. 1st, 2010

mikaella

Straying

Reality is harsh at times. I want to be a teenager again where it was okay to live in my mind. Pretending. Happy. Easy. Growing up means facing the facts. Acceptance.

Why does it seem that my friends are always so much more grown up than I am? Will I ever catch up? God's allowed me to grow in my own time but it gets tiring waiting to understand and gain that wisdom that others around me have had for years.

I know I should move on. But there's a comfortability in the discomfort. People tell me to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel... that light seems so faint right now. There was so much more optimism in my heart in the beginning but I'm losing my grip. Losing my sight, losing my path. Headed in a dangerous direction. With no true desire to get myself back on the right track. Haven't been here in awhile. He's creeping back into my heart. I'm starting to believe him again. What's funny is that I kinda want to believe him. There's so much safety in those lies. Even when I know they are just that. Lies. It's that comfort. If you're used to walking on hot coals, walking on cool ground seems strange and unnatural. So why try?

It's calling me. I want to. Oh so badly. I still have some will power. We'll see what happens in another week or so.

Help me to build. Find my safety. Let it cover me.
~Ru

~*~
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
~*~

Mar. 24th, 2010

mikaella

Looking back

Just read the last couple of entries and I kinda laughed. I can't believe how much I've grown. How far I've come in so many areas of my life. The way I view my faith is different, my family, my friends, my love interests... my ministries!

Update?

I'll do the 4 F's, as we say in youth ministry.

Family:
Good. Could be better. I think that's a constant. Lil' brother is in college. Will be finishing his first year in May. I still can't believe that he's an adult. I still remember the day my parents brought him from the hospital... shoot I remember when my mum's water broke! Our relationship is so different now that he's older. Good different.
Parents are good. I think they're starting to get impatient with me and my future. They're also getting old. Kinda scares me. This past year has made me realize how much I depend on them, their assistance, their wisdom, their love. Really scares me.
Extended family is good, I think. Went to Sri Lanka last summer. That was a dream come true. To see home... my true home, to see my family, my history, my culture. It was great. The love there is so incredible. Despite their suffering and difficulties, there is joy that they share without hesitation.
Extended family here... a little more complicated but I don't think that will ever change. Got in touch with cousins after like 12 years. How do you love someone you barely know? You just do. It's blood.
So overall, not bad.

Friends:
Right now, I miss my high school friends. I don't have much time for them, completely my fault but we are all in different paced lives. We're planning to meet up next month so really looking forward to that. Not looking forward to trying to explain my life to them. I love them but I always feel like they don't get me. I'm so different from them because of my faith. Guess that's just a stumbling block I have to get through.
College friends are great. Getting to that phase in my life where quality is taking priority over quantity. Makes me feel a little more grown up. The true ones are sticking by and I'm doing my best to find a balance among the collection of people in my life. Growing together, challenging each other, fighting and healing. It's the kind of stuff you only read about or see in indie flicks... it's real, baby.

Faith:
Ha. Learning that there is no ceiling when it comes to faith. Painful, shameful, beautiful and filled with light. So much more to learn, so much more to explore... makes me nervous, excited and feel a little small.
Along with my faith journey is my life in ministry. The last time I talked about ministry, I was working in music ministry and had just started teaching Confirmation. Boy, have things changed! Left music ministry. My talent is definitely not in music ministry. I even left singing at my home parish. It was for the best. I hear that the band is going well. There was a lot of pain that came with that ministry, personally. I continue to teach Confirmation though. It's my third year. And I love it. Still learning. Teaching is a learning experience. Funny how that works out. St. Angela's gone through a lot of changes in the last year. Last summer, they lost their youth ministers and I ended up stepping up. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I've flourished in a ministry. It's a lot of work, so much joy in reaching teens where they're at. But it's had its growing pains. But with those pains comes true growth. I walk lighter, with my head held high. There's still more to do, more room to grow and I'm looking forward to it. Bring on the pain!

"Friendly" Friend:
There's usually a trend for this section... things have changed ever so slightly. I don't even know how to begin.
The word "love" is so big, so heavy, so deep, so simple, so easy... just so. At one moment I feel as if all I do is throw it around, "giving" it to anyone and then I look back and wonder if what I just did was truly the choice I made. If the meaning behind the word is what's actually behind my choice. I'm in one of those moods where I'd like to say, yes... it was a choice I made and will continue to make.
I have buried my dignity, my worth and refused to believe that I had closed myself off. Self discovery has shown me how cold I had become in an attempt to stay safe from harm. Faith gave me another chance. And that chance hurt. And will continue to hurt. But it's like the growing pains I experience in ministry... there's something beautiful at the end of the tunnel and I just want to keep going.
There's something I'm stuck on. Guilt. Guilt from guilt. I was warned about this but warnings mean next to nothing in my life. I didn't know I was capable of so much harm. I didn't know I was capable of making someone feel guilty for not returning what I gave. It is something I don't take lightly, guilt. Don't know how to fix it. Is it fixable?
Romance has always intrigued me. Not sure why. Well, that's not true. Life is a romance but that's a whole other topic. Movies, books, real life or fantasy... didn't matter. Why people make the choices they do in relationships. Why one person gets chosen over another. The works. But the idea that any of it applied to me was ridiculous. At least in my mind.
It may not be a story but doesn't mean I won't come across points in my relationships where I will have to face my choices, my heart. And the other person.
I thought I could hide for much longer than this. Thought I could convince myself that what I wanted was the easiest path. Knowledge is power and with power comes responsibility. I'm responsible for my heart.
I'm not really sure what that even means.
I miss him. And not what we could've had. Just his presence. I miss my friend.
I'm allowed at least that much, right?

Life could always be full of complaints or inadequacies but we're all taught to look at the glass as half full. I'd rather look at it as being about three-quarters full.
Peace,
~Ru

~*~
Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
~*~

Nov. 22nd, 2008

mikaella

Addiction

Is it possible to be addicted to a person?
I think I am. I can't stay away. Being apart is painful and I count the days till I see him again.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with me?

Sep. 11th, 2008

mikaella

Journaling because I need to

My nerves are getting the best of me. I can't seem to "sit still" in my mind. A thousand thoughts are going through and I have no way of rationally categorizing them, dwelling on one thought or sometimes... understanding what my mind is trying to tell me. I'm thoroughly frustrated with this state that I'm in.
How is it possible to come back from Australia and feel like I just got swallowed by darkness? When every moment was spent with God, when every prayer and experience sat lightly with my heart, where did that joy and love go? I'm trying so hard to hold on to any ounce of faith that I have. It's not that I'm doubting. Sometimes I feel that it's impossible for me to doubt. I just feel alone. And I'm not. That's the funny thing. You would think that living in a household of strong Catholic women, visiting with friends who are strong Catholic young adults... who love me, care for me, challenge me... how can I feel alone? I have felt loneliness when I feel like I don't fit in, when I can't connect or relate to the people who are the closest to me. But that's not the case now. So what happened?
To make matters more confusing and unbearable, I have Armando to deal with. And Mike... I suppose. Mike and I haven't spoken since I came back. I haven't had a chance to tell him how my feelings for him have changed. My hope was that as soon as I say what I need to, our friendship can truly flourish without either of us putting up boundaries or feeling like we need to. And as far as Armando goes... God... it's always been a bit of a mess. God's funny at how He teaches me lessons, how He challenges me to go further, deeper. And for some reason, He loves using Armando. Drives me up the wall, to be honest. He's an incredible man. Totally worth my pain and anguish. But at the same time, I want to be selfish and ask why I can't just have what I want. In fact, I have been selfish. When I decided to stop liking him, I was in a state where I could love him and not be hurt. God was teaching me to be selfless in my love for him. And I was happy loving him and not asking for anything in return. But now... I'm struggling to truly love him as I once did. It feels like I'm going back to my "crush" days where all I can do is daydream about him. I really don't like that way about me. Especially when it's Armando. He doesn't deserve someone lusting after him. He's better than that. Shoot, I'm better than that. He needs love, whether he knows where it's coming from or not (preferably, not). He deserves love. So why can't I love him? Truly, selflessly, innocently? I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel far from God. Though I fully understand that I am never far from Him, I know that there is a barrier that I must break down. If Blessed Mother Theresa was able to walk through her faith life in darkness, so can I. Her strength is mine. Prayer and love. May they never cease.
Daily Mass and then breakfast with Armando. I hope my nerves don't kill me. At least Mass will help me as long as I don't get distracted by his beauty. Ugh. God, why? I wish I could say I hate men... but I don't. Never have and never will. Can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em. Right?
Right.
Peace,
~Ru

Apr. 30th, 2008

mikaella

I miss you!

Oh Livejournal, how I long for your countless entries from friends and groups. Your endless array of icons to choose from. How I miss typing out my life events. My joys and frustrations, life's questions and struggles.
Even though I know, and I really do... every once in awhile I actually convince myself that life is going to get easier as time goes by. I tell myself, "When I grow up..." or "In couple of years when I'm in the next phase of my life..." things will be simpler. HA!
Ugh. It's frustrating to realize that as each day goes by, I'm going to have more responsibilities, more things to learn, more to do, more decisions to make. I just wish things could slow down. I wish I could say no.
Dammit, why am I so nice?
Poo.
~Ru

Jan. 7th, 2008

mikaella

Fell off the face of the planet

And still falling. Just thought you'd like to know. XD
I've been so busy. And sick because I've been so busy and have had no rest. My respect for my friends have gone way up in the last couple of months for all the work they do. I'm just not as cool as them. Poo.
Wishing everyone a very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Yay for 2008!
Um...
Please pray for me. I need 'em.
:P
Peace!
~Ru

Dec. 2nd, 2007

mikaella

Cravings never cease!

So for about a month or so after watching the "The Rose" starring Ella Chen, I was kinda avoiding any Asian media just because I didn't feel like watching any shows. I attempted to start Ella's next show but for some reason, it couldn't get my attention for long. But like two weeks ago, I though... hm... I should really check out the Japanese version of "Hana Kimi" so I did.
I have many an opinion on this one. Hana Kimi is my favorite manga and I love Mizuki. Hisaya Nakajo made a group of amazing characters in this story and no one can improve them in anyway. What I liked about the Taiwanese version of Hana Kimi is that they stuck to the storyline. The storyline helps with character building and why relationships are the way they are. But the Japanese version... it's like they took the manga, ripped all the pages out and then threw them up in the air and how they landed is how they did the show. Everything is out of order and some stuff... I don't think was in the manga. I liked it (it is Japanese, lol). But the characters were different. I watched it with the mindset that the basic plot and characters are about the same but the turnout of the story and the development of the characters is completely unknown (not voluntarily... just became that way). It was done well but I don't think the actress for Mizuki really captured her spirit and Nakatsu was way too serious. Sano was good though. *sighs* I just realized how much I typed about this show, lol. I just love it so flippin' much! Ahhhh!
Anyway... So I watched all the episodes for the Japanese "Hana Kimi" and started watching Ella's show called "Reaching For The Stars" which caught my attention right a way this time and I'm about half way done with it. Ella is an amazing actress, 'nuff said. Hebe and Selina surprised me compared to their performance on "The Rose". I'm actually gonna go watch an episode or two before I go to bed... if I go to bed. x_x;
I was afraid that my love for Asian live dramas would die off but it looks like the cravings come in waves. :) I can handle that. They make me happy, lol.
Oh and good news, the first Youth Mass has been moved to January 6th, giving me a lot more time to get the band and choir really up and going. We would have not been ready for our first Mass which was planned for tomorrow... uh... today. But please keep us in your prayers. The volunteers are working hard.
Today's also the first Sunday of Advent. I'm excited for this Liturgical year. I have a lot of ministries that I'm in and plans to go with them. My hope is to get a little closer to God this year and to use the ministries I'm in and the retreats I'll be attending to do that. It's not a first time... but if I start the year with this mindset, I hope it'll produce better fruits than before. :)
Yay, so Happy New Liturgical Year to my Catholic friends!
Peace,
~Ru

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