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mikaella

Journaling because I need to

My nerves are getting the best of me. I can't seem to "sit still" in my mind. A thousand thoughts are going through and I have no way of rationally categorizing them, dwelling on one thought or sometimes... understanding what my mind is trying to tell me. I'm thoroughly frustrated with this state that I'm in.
How is it possible to come back from Australia and feel like I just got swallowed by darkness? When every moment was spent with God, when every prayer and experience sat lightly with my heart, where did that joy and love go? I'm trying so hard to hold on to any ounce of faith that I have. It's not that I'm doubting. Sometimes I feel that it's impossible for me to doubt. I just feel alone. And I'm not. That's the funny thing. You would think that living in a household of strong Catholic women, visiting with friends who are strong Catholic young adults... who love me, care for me, challenge me... how can I feel alone? I have felt loneliness when I feel like I don't fit in, when I can't connect or relate to the people who are the closest to me. But that's not the case now. So what happened?
To make matters more confusing and unbearable, I have Armando to deal with. And Mike... I suppose. Mike and I haven't spoken since I came back. I haven't had a chance to tell him how my feelings for him have changed. My hope was that as soon as I say what I need to, our friendship can truly flourish without either of us putting up boundaries or feeling like we need to. And as far as Armando goes... God... it's always been a bit of a mess. God's funny at how He teaches me lessons, how He challenges me to go further, deeper. And for some reason, He loves using Armando. Drives me up the wall, to be honest. He's an incredible man. Totally worth my pain and anguish. But at the same time, I want to be selfish and ask why I can't just have what I want. In fact, I have been selfish. When I decided to stop liking him, I was in a state where I could love him and not be hurt. God was teaching me to be selfless in my love for him. And I was happy loving him and not asking for anything in return. But now... I'm struggling to truly love him as I once did. It feels like I'm going back to my "crush" days where all I can do is daydream about him. I really don't like that way about me. Especially when it's Armando. He doesn't deserve someone lusting after him. He's better than that. Shoot, I'm better than that. He needs love, whether he knows where it's coming from or not (preferably, not). He deserves love. So why can't I love him? Truly, selflessly, innocently? I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel far from God. Though I fully understand that I am never far from Him, I know that there is a barrier that I must break down. If Blessed Mother Theresa was able to walk through her faith life in darkness, so can I. Her strength is mine. Prayer and love. May they never cease.
Daily Mass and then breakfast with Armando. I hope my nerves don't kill me. At least Mass will help me as long as I don't get distracted by his beauty. Ugh. God, why? I wish I could say I hate men... but I don't. Never have and never will. Can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em. Right?
Right.
Peace,
~Ru

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mikaella

May 2010

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