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Looking back

Just read the last couple of entries and I kinda laughed. I can't believe how much I've grown. How far I've come in so many areas of my life. The way I view my faith is different, my family, my friends, my love interests... my ministries!


I'll do the 4 F's, as we say in youth ministry.

Good. Could be better. I think that's a constant. Lil' brother is in college. Will be finishing his first year in May. I still can't believe that he's an adult. I still remember the day my parents brought him from the hospital... shoot I remember when my mum's water broke! Our relationship is so different now that he's older. Good different.
Parents are good. I think they're starting to get impatient with me and my future. They're also getting old. Kinda scares me. This past year has made me realize how much I depend on them, their assistance, their wisdom, their love. Really scares me.
Extended family is good, I think. Went to Sri Lanka last summer. That was a dream come true. To see home... my true home, to see my family, my history, my culture. It was great. The love there is so incredible. Despite their suffering and difficulties, there is joy that they share without hesitation.
Extended family here... a little more complicated but I don't think that will ever change. Got in touch with cousins after like 12 years. How do you love someone you barely know? You just do. It's blood.
So overall, not bad.

Right now, I miss my high school friends. I don't have much time for them, completely my fault but we are all in different paced lives. We're planning to meet up next month so really looking forward to that. Not looking forward to trying to explain my life to them. I love them but I always feel like they don't get me. I'm so different from them because of my faith. Guess that's just a stumbling block I have to get through.
College friends are great. Getting to that phase in my life where quality is taking priority over quantity. Makes me feel a little more grown up. The true ones are sticking by and I'm doing my best to find a balance among the collection of people in my life. Growing together, challenging each other, fighting and healing. It's the kind of stuff you only read about or see in indie flicks... it's real, baby.

Ha. Learning that there is no ceiling when it comes to faith. Painful, shameful, beautiful and filled with light. So much more to learn, so much more to explore... makes me nervous, excited and feel a little small.
Along with my faith journey is my life in ministry. The last time I talked about ministry, I was working in music ministry and had just started teaching Confirmation. Boy, have things changed! Left music ministry. My talent is definitely not in music ministry. I even left singing at my home parish. It was for the best. I hear that the band is going well. There was a lot of pain that came with that ministry, personally. I continue to teach Confirmation though. It's my third year. And I love it. Still learning. Teaching is a learning experience. Funny how that works out. St. Angela's gone through a lot of changes in the last year. Last summer, they lost their youth ministers and I ended up stepping up. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I've flourished in a ministry. It's a lot of work, so much joy in reaching teens where they're at. But it's had its growing pains. But with those pains comes true growth. I walk lighter, with my head held high. There's still more to do, more room to grow and I'm looking forward to it. Bring on the pain!

"Friendly" Friend:
There's usually a trend for this section... things have changed ever so slightly. I don't even know how to begin.
The word "love" is so big, so heavy, so deep, so simple, so easy... just so. At one moment I feel as if all I do is throw it around, "giving" it to anyone and then I look back and wonder if what I just did was truly the choice I made. If the meaning behind the word is what's actually behind my choice. I'm in one of those moods where I'd like to say, yes... it was a choice I made and will continue to make.
I have buried my dignity, my worth and refused to believe that I had closed myself off. Self discovery has shown me how cold I had become in an attempt to stay safe from harm. Faith gave me another chance. And that chance hurt. And will continue to hurt. But it's like the growing pains I experience in ministry... there's something beautiful at the end of the tunnel and I just want to keep going.
There's something I'm stuck on. Guilt. Guilt from guilt. I was warned about this but warnings mean next to nothing in my life. I didn't know I was capable of so much harm. I didn't know I was capable of making someone feel guilty for not returning what I gave. It is something I don't take lightly, guilt. Don't know how to fix it. Is it fixable?
Romance has always intrigued me. Not sure why. Well, that's not true. Life is a romance but that's a whole other topic. Movies, books, real life or fantasy... didn't matter. Why people make the choices they do in relationships. Why one person gets chosen over another. The works. But the idea that any of it applied to me was ridiculous. At least in my mind.
It may not be a story but doesn't mean I won't come across points in my relationships where I will have to face my choices, my heart. And the other person.
I thought I could hide for much longer than this. Thought I could convince myself that what I wanted was the easiest path. Knowledge is power and with power comes responsibility. I'm responsible for my heart.
I'm not really sure what that even means.
I miss him. And not what we could've had. Just his presence. I miss my friend.
I'm allowed at least that much, right?

Life could always be full of complaints or inadequacies but we're all taught to look at the glass as half full. I'd rather look at it as being about three-quarters full.

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again



May 2010

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