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mikaella

Straying

Reality is harsh at times. I want to be a teenager again where it was okay to live in my mind. Pretending. Happy. Easy. Growing up means facing the facts. Acceptance.

Why does it seem that my friends are always so much more grown up than I am? Will I ever catch up? God's allowed me to grow in my own time but it gets tiring waiting to understand and gain that wisdom that others around me have had for years.

I know I should move on. But there's a comfortability in the discomfort. People tell me to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel... that light seems so faint right now. There was so much more optimism in my heart in the beginning but I'm losing my grip. Losing my sight, losing my path. Headed in a dangerous direction. With no true desire to get myself back on the right track. Haven't been here in awhile. He's creeping back into my heart. I'm starting to believe him again. What's funny is that I kinda want to believe him. There's so much safety in those lies. Even when I know they are just that. Lies. It's that comfort. If you're used to walking on hot coals, walking on cool ground seems strange and unnatural. So why try?

It's calling me. I want to. Oh so badly. I still have some will power. We'll see what happens in another week or so.

Help me to build. Find my safety. Let it cover me.
~Ru

~*~
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
~*~

Comments

One of the things you should always remember is that we all grow at our own rate. We're all different people, and we all have a different set of experiences, personalities, insights, and even starting points so that no two people's journeys are identical. There's no sense in trying to figure out where you "should be" based upon where others "are." Comparison is the thief of joy, and especially so in this case when it doesn't matter where we came from or where we are; it only matters what direction we're all walking in.

I don't know about your specific troubles, Ru; though we were never friends, we've never been so close as to share everything with one another. But you have my prayers, and you always have an open ear in case you ever need to chat. :)

Praying for the best for you, Ru!
mikaella

May 2010

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