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mikaella

Wanting, waiting, losing

Just waiting till it gets easier. Till the pain subsides. The wound needs to close. I want a scab. I want it gone. A cross I must bare but I don't want to. No one wants to carry their cross. Why must it be so hard? Where do I find relief? Being away is hard but being close hurts too much. There is no ease. No rest. Sleepless nights. Mornings with memories. Nights with memories. Never ending. Or at least it feels that way. My heart feels heavy. My soul feels burdened. Losing motivation. Losing sight.

I want to fly away. I want to fall. Feel the air rush past my face. Through my hair. Until there is no more.

I want to scream until I lose my voice.

Where can I go?

~*~
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
~*~

Comments

The whole point of bearing pain and "the cross" is that you don't have to do it alone. You've got friends (and God!) that are able to help pick you up and carry you further. They can't eliminate the pain, of course; only you can decide when you've had enough and just move beyond it. But you're not the only one to suffer what you've suffered, and others are certainly willing to help you through the process.
Thanks, Dave. I know what you say is true. And I know better than what I write. I know that God is the One that will help me through this, He is the one who will take the burden... just at times, it's easier to dwell in my own misery than to look for help. Sounds childish, I know. Just how I function. And I find that it helps to write it all out. Though my entries seem depressing, I know deep down that there will be a better day when I've moved on from my current situation. At times, it is difficult to remember that.
Thank you for your prayers. You are in mine.
Peace.
mikaella

May 2010

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